Andy Borowitz Quits Writing Satire
There are so many reasons, says humorist
“It was easy going for so many years,” said comedy writer and author Andy Borowitz. “I never thought it would become too hard to continue.”
Borowitz, as he is lovingly known to his millions of fans, was confiding in me—a lesser known fellow writer—his reasons for abandoning satire, his stock in trade.
“First of all,” he continued, “It was never as easy to write satire as most people think. You have to read and watch huge amounts of news in a wide variety of media every day. And then, if you publish on any sort of deadine, you must find something perfectly suited to lampoon no matter what. True, sometimes an event jumps out at you right away, but most times it’s exhausting.”
I nodded in agreement, having myself written dozens of near-misses for every piece that went viral.
“Sometimes you find that you have to take the easy way out by making up ideas that are not based on real news, but something drawn from everyday life. Just look at The Onion these days,” he moaned. “They’ve been reduced to pieces about hospices having lousy wi-fi and skee-ball machines in bedrooms.
“And don’t get me started on the Babylon Bee,” he continued. “They do everyday life things that aren’t even funny. To be fair, they’re working with one arm tied behind their back by trying to write “humor” for right-wingers. But still.”
“And then there’s becoming a victim of your own success. No matter how absurd your premise, and how many clues you insert that a piece is satire, there are always readers who will think it’s the gospel truth.”
“Take my recent satire featuring the president of Liberia writing a letter to Trump offering to give him English lessons. So many people fell for it that Snopes had to issue a warning! I suppose I should be flattered. But, frankly, I became depressed that so many people these days are unable to distinguish truth from satire.”
“For anyone who can’t recognize a decent satire, I recommend they try ordering the DVD that contains 246 issues of the old National Lampoon. Or buy back issues on eBay. Read them all. Then, come back and read my stuff again.”
“Is that all?” I ventured. “That’s why you’re quitting?”
“Of course not,” he shot back. “The biggest reason is that the news has become so ridiculous that it’s actually more satirical than anything I can concoct. The past few months, I actually started getting migraine headaches trying to outdo the news.”
“I tried to stop the attacks by mainlining ground-up Relpax powder, but it didn’t help. I never had headaches like that before Trump came along.”
“From now on, I’m going to report only true stories. Not only will they be just as biting—or even more so—than anything I can dream up. But they will speed up my writing, eliminate the migraines, and do away with all the comments and e-mails I typically get from people who think my satires are real.”
“But won’t you still get comments from people who think your true stories are satires?” I ventured.
“Nah. Here, just try this: Publish a piece of your own featuring our conversation today about my quitting satire and see if people are gullible enough to complain that it’s actually satire. Mark my words. They aren’t.”
So do I get a refund?
Andy is the best! His posts read like pieces of sanity.