Kristi Noem to Give Dogs Lie Detector Tests Before Shooting Them [satire]

Vows to fulfill President's deportation orders

Stung by the outcry over her murdering her own puppy a few years back, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi “Annie Oakley” Noem has ordered lie detector tests for all Department dogs before shooting them.

Secretary Noem swears that no leaker will go unpunished.

“There's a lot of leakers in this Department,” Noem explained, when asked why the number of deportations of innocent immigrants had fallen far short of her boss’s quota after one full month in office.

“And that's got to end. Just the other day I caught one of our most trusted canines leaking right outside my office. You never know who will turn weak-knee’d on you next.”

“These immigrants from the south are eating pit bulls in Peoria and Siamese in Scranton. Our dogs find they can no longer stomach it. If we let this leaking continue, we won't be able to ship two of our top exports—frozen Chinese and Thai dinners—to Canada anymore. Believe me, South Dakota farmers are in heat over this.”

“But what about separating puppies from their dams,” we asked gently, in order not to have our own passport confiscated.

“No problem-o,” she replied. “Anytime we find a leaker, we'll shoot both mother and pup, so there'll be no whiny orphans crying around headquarters.”

“Life's a bitch, ain't it?” she added.