Linda McMahon's Handy Guide to "A1 in Education"

An exclusive look at tomorrow's schools

There I was, minding my own business, monitoring a couple of Signal chats.

In one chat, RFK Junior was hobnobbing with his wife, Dr. Oz, and Dr. Phil about his upcoming plan to eliminate gender dysphoria by banning polio vaccinations in children.

The other chat featured a spirited debate between Pam Bondi, Kash Patel, and the CEO of Veola Airlines. At issue was whether or not the judges that Veola flies to El Salvador—in leg irons and handcuffs—should be required to fasten their seat belts for their own safety in case of turbulence.

Suddenly I found myself added—purely by accident—to a signal chat between Secretary of Education Linda McMahon, Marjorie Taylor Green, and Karoline Leavitt.

These three experts on education were going over McMahon’s upcoming plan to incorporate A1 in American education.

I managed to get a look at several of the illustrations McMahon had prepared to show how this innovative technology can revolutionize schooling.

Raising Math Literacy

Studies have shown that more than 60 percent of American elementary students cannot count past the number seven. And that 90 percent think that a “triangle” is actually an influencer channel on Tik Tok.

As McMahon's presentation put it, “A1 will help us create a nation of obedient, mathematically literate children.”

“No longer will our boys—and occasionally even girls—have to struggle to identify the correct answer. Just pose the problem to A1’s interactive helper, ChewBLT 🥓, and you'll be directed to the solution without having to think for yourself. This will make multiple choice exams a breeze!”

Nailing Down Geography

A recent survey of school age children by the Stephen Miller School of AntiSocial Work found that just a measly two percent could properly identify the following important places:

• The Gulf of America

• Our 51st State—just north of the 49th parallel

• The U.S. territories of Greenland and Panama

• The Russian cities of Kiev, Warsaw, and Berlin

With A1, every teacher will become a politically correct world guide. Any children left in the class who were not forcibly removed by ICE will be able to regurgitate virtually anything that's been rammed down their throats.

Geography class will become the class to DEI for.

Solving Teacher Shortages

So many teachers being fired for insubordination, wokeness, or not carrying a passport on their person 24/7 has led to a serious shortage of indoctrinators.

With A1 in widespread use, and child labor laws having been found unconstitutional in the Supreme Court’s Toddler v. Oligarch decision, more and more children will be called upon to serve as substitute teachers.

Serving Healthy Meals

Head Start has been eviscerated. School lunch programs are gone to help finance tax cuts for our Masters. How are our kids going to get the nutrition they need to barely survive?

Easy peasy.

The USDA under President Reagan once argued that ketchup—the next door neighbor to A1—is a vegetable. What better way to supply a child’s nutritional needs than to meet RFK Jr’s established minimum daily requirements of:

Tomato puree, raisin paste, vinegar, corn syrup, salt, orange puree, spices, dried garlic, caramel color, dried onions, potassium sorbate, and xanthan gum.

Yum! 😋

Enhancing Social Studies

Stories about long-dead old men drafting some kind of declaration and constitution are b-o-r-i-n-g. Children need to prepare for life in today's dog-eat-dog, Hunger Games society.

What better way to learn how to own libtards, immigrants, and boys who invade girls’ sports than to cheer for your fighter to break the other guy’s neck?

Linda McMahon has arranged special educational rates on pay-per-view WWE wrestling matches.

If each parent kicks in the price of one dozen eggs, and each teacher pays out-of-pocket the class’s remaining balance, every child in America can enjoy social studies an amazing three times every week. 🤼

Learning New Technology

The three R’s are fine as far as they go. Gen Zzzz also needs to keep up with the latest developments in technology.

In McMahon’s norm busting, move fast and break education system, every child will also learn all about “Ai.” Whatever that is.

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