Mission Impossible 9: MAGA Reckoning
Only one man can save American democracy: Ethan Hunt
We’ve been biding our time—posting memes and marching in the streets—for too long while our democracy goes down in flames. Yet no one has been able to come up with a workable plan to stop MAGA in its tracks and save us. Until now.
“Good morning, Mr. Hunt. If you are listening to this message, it means you have infiltrated the Oval Office while its occupant is currently in India accepting a gift— from India’s President Narendra Modi—of the Taj Mahal, which he plans to convert into a hotel named Trump Taj Ma-hal-ago.
“The United States has been taken over by an insane and demented rapist working with a gang of evil and sociopathic criminals to dismantle its government, cripple its institutions, and replace its democracy with a dictatorship.
“Your mission, should you choose to accept it, it to disable this gang and remove the rapist from the presidency, replacing him with an honest and competent person.
“As usual, if you or any member of your team is caught or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.
“This message will self-destruct in five seconds.
“Pfffffttt!”
Hunt leaves the Oval Office, whereupon he is abducted by masked ICE agents and sent to CECOT in El Salvador without due process. He’s moved to another detention site, where he shares a cell with the mistakenly deported Maryland resident, Kilmar Abrego Garcia.
Hunt is able to pick the cell’s lock with a special tool that he has folded and hidden inside his rectum for such a predicament. Once free, Hunt finds a gun that a guard has mistakenly dropped in the hallway. The two make their escape, although Hunt loses sight of Garcia.
Alone again, Hunt is recaptured by the master El Salvadoran guard, The Man They Call El Exigente (“the Demanding One”). After chatting with Hunt about the “superior character” of Savarin coffee, El Exigente ties him up and transports him from the nation’s Pacific port of Acajutla to a tiny, isolated South Pacific desert island.
There is little raw material for Hunt to work with on this minuscule island. Yet, somehow he manages…
…to construct a small boat with which to make his escape. While sailing across the Pacific, Hunt receives a message via a receiver that had been previously implanted in his inner ear. The message is from his pal, Luther Stickell, who was killed in Mission Impossible 8. But before Luther had died, unbeknownst to the audience, an AI-powered Android of him had been created to carry on his work.
AI-Luther tells Hunt that Trump has by now opened his new Trump Taj Ma-hal-ago Hotel in Agra, Uttar Pradesh, India and has hidden there a special key known as the shRoom Key, which derives its name from its resemblance in both shape and size to Trump’s male member (as described by Stormy Daniels).
With this key, Hunt would be able to digitize and imprison Trump inside a 5D optical data drive, from which he could no longer sexually harass pre-teen girls, much less harm the world.
Sailing across the Pacific and then the Bay of Bengal, Hunt crosses much of India until he reaches the Trump Taj Ma-hal-ago Hotel. He spots Kash Patel out front, pointing to the nearby prison where masked FBI agents have been bringing any hotel guests who won’t swear allegiance to Trump.
Evading detection, Hunt worms his way up an air duct inside the hotel. He enters a room laminated in faux gold. Behind a gold-plated toilet, he finds the shRoom Key. Sure enough, it is the exact size and shape as Trump’s toadstool.
With no time to waste, Hunt hurries on to his next—and most dangerous—task. He must defeat the Mad DOGE in order to enter the Sacred Chamber.
First he must latch onto a Space X rocket before it explodes—as usual—three minutes after launch. (During filming, Tom Cruise actually performed this stunt himself).
Next, he must beat the living crap out of Elon Musk. In so doing, Hunt gives him a black eye in his left eye. It matches the shiner in his right eye that Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent had given Musk in the West Wing of the White House.
After this, Hunt is pitted against the Deadly DOGE, an AI-enhanced Cybertruck that has been given the personality of a junkyard dog. “I didn’t know DOGE was actually a dog,” Hunt mutters. “But WTF!”
Hunt leaps onto the evil Sinister SwastiCar, which takes him on a harrowing ride through Langley Virginia, home of the CIA. (Tom Cruise performed this stunt himself)
Upon taming Deadly DOGE, Trump is confronted by DHS Secretary Kristi Noem. He whispers to DOGE, “This is the broad that shot your wirehair pointer friend, Cricket. Sic ’em!” That’s all DOGE needs to hear. He makes quick work of Cricket’s female assassin.
Next, Hunt and AI-Luther must fight their way into CIA headquarters.
The pair reach the Sacred Chamber, where they are able to digitize Trump and trap him harmlessly in the 5D optical data drive.
Safe at last, the pair entrust the drive to two men whose savvy and judgment they are certain will safeguard it, ensuring that Trump will never escape to again menace the world. They give it to Chuck Schumer and James Carville.
Keep an eye out for Mission Impossible 10: Trump Strikes Back.
Amusing & creative rewrite of MI 9. Anyone producing soon?
Hah! I guess Musk is not the only one on "medication"!