Trump and Loomer Are Wed in Vegas Ceremony

"I'm so happy," says a grinning Donald Trump.

Donald Trump and Laura Loomer were married this morning in a beautiful ceremony at the Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada. The bride wore a lovely white satin gown.

Donald Trump and his fourth wife, Laura Loomer, beam after their early morning wedding in LasVegas.

Barron Trump was the best man. Tulsi Gabbard was the matron of honor. JD Vance was an usher. His Honor Clarence Thomas performed the ceremony. Six unidentified pre-pubescent young women served as deflowered girls.

Following a brief fuss in the assembled crowd as Melania Trump entered the Little White Wedding Chapel during the ceremony and seated herself in a rear pew, the joining of Loomer with the thrice-married, twice-impeached, and 34-times-convicted former President proceeded without incident.

“Of course we did it—many more times in one week than any President in US history ever has,” Trump bragged. “Did you think I was walking around with my arm around her just for my health?”

“Best sex ever,” Loomer added, mimicking Marla Maples. “And there was no contraception or IVF. The Christening of our son-to-be, XCzar Trump, will take place in the summer of 2025—soon after his birth—on the White House Lawn.”

“He's the healthiest groom in the history of the world,” said Dr. Ronny Jackson, who performed the pre-wedding blood tests. Dr. Jackson refused to reveal any of the test results.

In answer to the most obvious question, an attorney for Melania Trump who was present informed the crowd that her pre-nup with The Donald had contained a clause that permitted him to marry again, even without a divorce.

After the ceremony, Melania Trump was seen exiting the chapel with a look on her face that was described as a combination of relief and joy. She headed immediately for a nearby casino, accompanied by a group of very fit-looking young men.