Trump Everglades Hotel Ready to Open

Something for everyone

The new Trump Everglades Hotel is nearly ready for its grand opening. According to its developer—January6 ICEmen, Inc.—the first writhe pits will welcome their guests as soon as the new Medicaid cuts go into effect.

“Remember,” said Chief Concierge, Tom ‘Tommy Gun’ Homan, Jr., “We must make sure all those able-bodied, wheelchair-bound fraudsters are off the public dole before we start diverting those funds to encarcerate Home Depot stockroom workers and brown-skinned Gold Star parents.”

The new facility will be served by a swamp-based airport that has no air traffic controllers and receives no weather reports from NOAA. “Well, we all are going to die,” said DeSantis Field’s supervisor.

“This is a real shame,” lamented former President Obama, contacted at his second home in Martha's Vineyard. “The rest of you really should do something about this. It's your country.”

“Ditto,” texted former VP Harris, interrupting a private conference planning her expected run for California Governor.

“Surf’s up!” barked Sen. Fetterman (DINO-PA), as he and his family finally gathered their things to head for the Jersey shore, after having drummed his fingers endlessly throughout the Senate votes on the budget bill.

Senator Kirsten Gillbrand was more emphatic. “If that jihadi Zhoran Mamdani is elected mayor of New York, this is going to get so much worse. Just look at all the damage Al Franken did!”

Attorney General Pam Bondi laid down the law. “Anyone un-Christian enough to protest this next step of progress in the Golden Age of America will be bagged and dumped right into the hotel pool, then treated to our own version of Dungeons and Dragons.”