Trump Holds White House Garage Sale

Money talks, nobody walks.

Buoyed by the success of his recent White House cock fight, President Trump just held the first-ever White House garage sale. As the Sharpie sign below promised, everything—except for photographs of Trump’s family—was on offer.

Turnout was terrific.

“It soared and rose—above and beyond my wildest expectations ever,” bragged the Commander-in-Chief. “We even unloaded the flappers from the toilet tanks! Hell, I could sell a jar of my own vomit on Fifth Avenue. Just kidding.”

With the South Lawn decked out in American flags to celebrate the July 4th signing of the Billionaire Bonus Bill, crowds of MAGA faithful picked through everything from historic paintings to priceless antiques that have sat under the watchful eyes of armed guards in the White House for literally centuries.

“Lookee, lookee, what I got here!” beamed hired hand Hiram Monksetter, 63, of Ignorance, Missouri, shown below. “A Gen-you-Wine Top Secret plan for shooting down nuclear missiles aimed at California. And I got it for a song.”

“It was really a steal,” quipped Trump.

Not to be outdone, Honey Butch Marketma’am, exercised her bragging rights to this original Gilbert Stuart portrait of Washington, shown below, that had been in the White house since the mid-1800s. “I’m not telling what I paid for this baby,” she teased. “But let’s just say it was either spring for this, or go score a pack of smokes at the 7-Eleven on 15th Street.”

Some of the culture vultures came well prepared for anything. Cletus Moronica, of Bathsheer, Arkansas, brought nothing less than his oversized Ford Expedition Max, shown below, to corral the Resolute Desk. It took eleven men five hours to extricate the national treasure from the Oval Office. “Man! Am I going to resolve things around the farm with ‘Monsieur Resolution’ as I’ve now christened him,” he boasted.

Crowds were just as busy inside the mansion as outside.

In a room next door to the East Room, shown below, shoppers inspected the sofa on which Monica Lewinsky once gave President Clinton a blow job; a half-empty box of pretzels, one of which had caused President George W. Bush to briefly choke in 2002; Melania Trump’s worn out chastity belt; and Dick Cheney’s 45-rpm record of “Take a Piece of My Heart,” hand autographed by Janis Joplin.

The most heavily-trafficked spot, though, was in the special room, shown below, set up to unload pile upon pile of Alligator Alcatraz T-shirts.

“We couldn’t sell those suckers fast enough,” quipped Stellvertreter des Führers Stephen Miller, who had personally designed the shirts and was seen pocketing all the cash handed over to him by drooling customers until the supply ran out.

“Ach was,” said Miller. “What can one do?”