High Court Declares Constitution Unconstitutional

It simply doesn't apply anymore, says majority

In a shocking—though not surprising—decision at the end of its current term, the U.S. Supreme Court has found the United States Constitution unconstitutional.

“It would shock the conscience of the Founding Fathers for this document—as written and finally ratified in 1790—to continue being applied as the law of the land to twenty-first century America,” said Justice Samuel Alito, writing for the majority in the 6 to 3 opinion.

“To begin with,” Alito continued, “this so-called supreme law of the land opens by limiting the scope of its application to ‘We the people,’ which the Founders clearly intended to refer to just those people who were alive and resident in the United States at the time of its ratification.”

“The Court’s research strongly suggests that not one of those people remains alive today. Surely no ratifier of compos mentis in 1790 could have intended for its provisions to apply, for example, to any person who emigrated to the United States post confirmatio from contemporary nations—such as Iran—that were then part of the Ottoman Empire.”

The majority opinion continued with an unusual addition, Exhibit A, shown below, which the opinion says illustrates how today's court would look if it continued to rely on what it called the “dead words of dead men scrawled on dead trees.”

Exhibit A - How today's court would look if it continued to rely on the Constitution of 1790.

Other elements cited in the majority opinion include the total absence of the word “democracy” in the Constitution; the use of the British spelling “defence,” which it says was “clearly intended to apply to British subjects only”; and the reference to “emoluments,” which Alito says is “a word that even the vir eruditus William F. Buckley refrained from ever using.”

As for how future cases are to be decided in wake of this refellō of the original Constitution, the majority is cagey, suggesting that the court will render all decisions by the tried and true majoritas regit.

The minority’s dissenting opinion consisted of the single phrase Bubulum stercus! handwritten in brown ink on an otherwise blank page, followed by the thumb prints of the three dissenting Justices.

[For those of you no longer able to differentiate these days between truth and satire, this is indeed the latter]